Wednesday, April 27, 2005

27 April 2005: Desperate

Howard Launches Desperate Last Attack on Blair

With only a week to go until the UK General Election, Conservative Leader Michael Howard has turned to even more desperate measures in an attempt to bolster his party's disappointing poll ratings.

After two weeks campaigning on the issues of immigration and asylum, Howard last weekend declared that his team were two-nil down at half time, just like his Liverpool side in the Carling Cup Final, except that Liverpool were one-nil up and lost. The last few days had seen the Tories drop their issues-based campaigning in favour of personal attacks on Tony Blair's integrity.
"He said he would drop his trousers in the Commons and give me his sweeties if taxes went up," said Mr Howard at a Press Conference yesterday. "'Liar, liar, pants on fire' is what I would say to Mr Blair. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Today, however, the campaign took a new twist as Mr Howard looked to further pressure the Labour leader into submission. At their daily press conference this morning, war was beginning. Shadowy chancellor Oliver Letwin began with the statement "Somebody set up us the bomb." Then main screen turn on. Michael Howard appeared as a ghostly apparition in the shape of some cats.
"How are you gentlemen?" he politely enquired of members of the gathered press. "All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction"
"What you say?" asked Andrew Marr, the BBC's political editor.
"You have no chance to survive make your time," clarified Mr Howard. "Ha ha ha ha."

Responding to this unlikely challenge, Prime Minister Tony Blair, speaking at a chocolate fluffy bubbles factory in Harpenden, said Mr Howard's attacks were a threat to national security.
"Take off every 'zig'," he instructed Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott, who immediately responded by eating breakfast.

Liberal Democrat leader Charles Kennedy, feeling a little left out of proceedings as he cashed his weekly postal order from his mum at a Post Office in Selkirk, said he supported the Labour Party's response.
"Move 'zig'," he confirmed. When gathered journalists and sheep asked why, his response was simple and straightforward, a message that will ring clear with the electorate.
"For great justice."

Stop Press: Party leaders later retracted all the above statements and agreed the election should not be fought on the basis of a four-year-old web cartoon. Michael Howard refused to comment on speculation that Trogdor was backing his anti-immigrant bill with a threat to 'burninate the peasants and their thatch-roof cottages'. Weebl and Bob were expected to announce their backing of UKIP this morning, although speculation was that the monkey could still go anywhere. Numanuma boy was quoted as saying: "Numa numa". The case continues.

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